New (or Old) Relationship? Watch Your Language!
Shortly after meeting, Barb says to Jane, “My husband doesn’t talk to me,” and Jane replies GWG Lawsuit , “Neither does mine.” The two of them have an instant bond.
A man and woman start chatting one day in the coffee room at the place they both work. They quickly discover that they both hate their jobs. Their instant connection blossoms into an intimate relationship.
Within five minutes of the first hello two women discover they had both survived sexual abuse as children. Wow! Each knows the other understands and they bond.
A man and woman are medicating their unhappy lives in a bar when they meet. They connect through their unhappiness and their liquid solution.
The problem with all these scenarios is that the connection is formed at the level of the wound, problem or complaint. It’s hard to build a happy, productive life or a lasting relationship on a complaint. People get tired of their marriages and their friendships. They often feel stuck and sometimes hopeless.
The question is, how do you avoid starting relationships based on a negative focus? If you are already caught in one, is there a way to fix it?
At the heart of any solution is language. Pay attention to your language, the questions you ask and how you respond to questions from others.
It doesn’t matter that Jane and Barb’s husbands have been poor communicators; what matters now is how they get their husbands talking again and rebuild their marriages… or leave them and move on.
It doesn’t matter that the two people in the bar have used alcohol to medicate their unhappy life situations; what matters now is how they will turn their lives around so they can be happy. Getting out of the alcohol sinkhole is only one piece of that.
If someone starts a conversation with a complaint, respond with a question or comment around solution. If they engage in discussing solutions, you are off to a good start in a new relationship. If they insist on focusing on the negative, move on.